Where I live, it is the day of Christmas Eve. This year has been a year of awakening to see myself and my life as I never have before. For most of my life, I have never understood the world I live in.
As a young child, I knew only love. I lived in a world in which I did not see hatred and anger. I did not understand jealousy and bitterness. I only remember feeling love for everything and everyone.
It was upon entering school that I learned I was different and even then, I did not understand much of what I experienced. Although I did not understand the world, I tried to learn to fit in and I was curious to learn about the world. I learned sadness and hurt. I learned prejudice and hatred. I learned fear and anger.
These feelings and emotions were overwhelming. Alcohol and drugs became ways to escape as I searched for happiness and love. The things I searched for were within me but I searched outwardly in the world to seek others who would show me the way to achieve success. But success to me was not what the world taught me success was supposed to be. Success to the world was material and appearances were the signs of being successful so I failed. I failed miserably. I was a very successful failure to the outside world.
In the height of my failure, I lost my marriage and home. I lost myself to a depression which was so dark and deep that I drove those I loved most away from me but my children who were too young at the time to be able to save themselves from my darkness were left with me. Luckily, I made a few online friends who could not see my outside world. They were only able to see the me that was left inside. One of these friends gave me a guided meditation which told me, “only you can change” and I found within me the hope I needed. It opened my eyes to see my children, to hear their tears, and to feel their love. As dark and angry as I was, they still loved me. They needed me to love them back. Their love was innocent and pure. There were no strings attached, no expectations, only love. This was the love I once knew as a young child and it was back, it was in my children and it was for me. I did not understand what was happening but I knew I had to change and everything changed.
My husband, my children’s father, divorced me. He had to leave because he could not understand what was going on with me. He needed to take care of himself and he needed someone to help him. I was no longer able to do that for him and he was fortunate enough to find someone who would. I was relieved he was able to find what he needed to help him through our divorce and I wished him the love I could not give him. I must admit that I was angry and I felt betrayed but I understand now. I am sorry I hurt him and I hope someday he can forgive me.
The divorce was horrible. I did not fight it though. I gave him what he wanted and I tried to walk away with as little as possible. Those who found out tried to help me and make me fight for more money but it was not right in my opinion because nothing was mine. He had been the bread winner and he felt it was all his money. It was his house, it was his life, it was all his. I had to ask for some money and I had to ask for child support because he was not able to take the children. He had to figure out his new life. He still got to keep his daily after-school routine with the children and he tried his best to do his best, in his own way. I tried to do my best and I tried to handle things as best as I could in my own way also but I was still so very lost.
I spent the next years building my ego. Learning from arrogance which I believed was confidence. Taking time for myself and trying to balance that time with helping my children deal with their own feelings and emotions. I believe I was successful in helping my children and although they still have issues, we are developing a relationship of communication with trust. I was able to tell them I was wrong and I was able to apologize. I was able to open myself up and give them love again, the love that they need. It is the same love we all desire.
Writing became my outlet to dig through the well of emotions which had built up within me. The words helped me search within myself to find a path which led me further within than I have ever been. My path has led me back to the child I once was. After too many years, I find myself being able to be who I always have been, not who I thought I was taught to be. It is difficult to be who I am. It is scary and I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will be hurt. I am afraid of everything. But I am not alone and I sit here writing to you so that you can know that you are not alone.
Personally, I celebrate Christmas because it is what I was taught and the spirit of giving for Christmas is what I love about this holiday. I would like it if we all celebrated the spirit of giving, not only for this holiday but for every day. I also celebrate Thanksgiving and I love the spirit of gratitude that brings. I would also like it if we all celebrated this holiday every day. Gratitude and giving are not material and tangible, I believe they are spirits of feeling and emotion. They are not measured by jewelry or money or an abundance of things we can hold, touch, feel, or smell. They are measured by love.
Thank you all that may take the time to read this post. Thank you all for following my blog and listening to my thoughts. Thank you all for being part of my life. Whatever holidays you may celebrate and whatever gifts you may give, I hope that you all enjoy yourselves. I hope that you all may find whatever it is that you think or feel will make you happy. I hope you have the love within yourself to share with the world because that is all the world needs, love. If you do not, I hope you can hear my words, “I love you.”
I hope that I can teach my children to love the way we all are born, with pure innocence from the heart, without conditions and expectations. I hope that their lives will be filled with love and that they share that love with the world. I hope that they will love the world even during the darkest of days. I humbly ask that you all pray for not only my children and myself but for everyone whomever they may be without judgment for whatever choices that they make and whatever actions they may take. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas or whatever/however you may celebrate. I wish you all peace so that you may share peace with the world especially since this is a time in our lives when the world needs it. Have a wonderful day and a wonderful tomorrow and every tomorrow to come. Lastly, please know that even in the darkest days, there is a light inside of you and I see it shining so smile and share that with me.
My Yoga Journey Blog 808 